21 October, 2015
I’m in a goofy mood, and the squash recipe I want to make will take longer than I have, tonight. So, instead, I’m going to provide you with a strange little editorial about pumpkin spice.
For some reason, people seem to be obsessed with pumpkin spice. There’s the normal pumpkin-spice latte that every white girl in America raves about for unknown reasons (I’ve tried them and I personally don’t find them that exciting, but maybe that’s because I’m not much of a coffee person), and then there are the outliers. The oddities of the pumpkin spice world.
People have let this whole pumpkin spice thing get way out of hand. Don’t believe me, just watch:
I’ll ease you in to things.
So, it could be worse. Of all the possible pumpkin spice things, at least these are already sweet and they’re just adding flavor to them. No big deal. It’s not like they’re taking something savory and…
Okay, that’s just weird.
I have an apple cinnamon air freshener, and it’s…. okay, it gets kind of gross after a while, but come on, who wouldn’t want their house, car, purse, friends, upholstry, pillows….. to smell like maple pumpkin.
Me. I would not. That’s who.
Pumpkin spice butter could work. Butter was already sweet to begin with, and people put cinnamon and sugar on buttered toast, so why not? I just hope that the product inside isn’t some horrifying shade of orange.
I’ve seen a few pictures of this monstrosity — a pumpkin spice burger. That just sounds nasty. Bad pumpkin spice people.
Alright, I needed to save my stomach. At least these seem like a good combination. Enough of them and you might turn orange, but at least the thought of it probably won’t make you want to hurl.
This could go one of two ways: either it’s a nice fragrance that delicately graces your body and follows you throughout the day… or it’s the equivalent of soaking yourself in cleansing cake batter, which infuses your skin with a nauseatingly sweet smell that surrounds you like a dense cloud of stink-fog. I personally don’t really want to find out (I’ve never had much luck with vanilla soaps; I end up with the latter problem).
If you decided you liked the idea of smelling like a stereotypical white girl’s drink, here’s a full spread of options for you and your pets. This kit includes a shampoo/shower gel/bubble bath for you , conditioner for you dog or cat, and shampoo for your dog or cat. Isn’t this terrify- I mean fun?
Don’t stop there! Now your breath can smell like pumpkin spice, too! What I want to know is: does this still flavor tingle like the mint ones, and if so, WHY?!
Want to throw a dinner party? Take your pumpkin spicy self to the store and grab these essentials:
1) Pumpkin spice lasagna
2) Pumpkin spice chips (these may be an online-only feature)
3) Pumpkin spice Four Loko (because what’s a pumpkin spice party without its token caffeinated alcoholic beverage?)
4) Pumpkin beers (these aren’t so bad… for beers. I hear the Southern Tier Pumking is really good, actually), for those who want to keep it toned down, just a little.
And now, if you’re ready for it (and are over the age of 18): 5) Pumpkin spice condoms — for after that crazy pumpkin spice party: stay safe, kids, and don’t do anything that doesn’t smell like pumpkin spice.
Well, that’s all I have for today. Thank you for letting me take you on a tour of everything pumpkin spice, from the acceptable to the so-ridiculous-it’s-probably-fake. The photos in this post are not mine, but are taken from various sources around the web. If you wish to follow the sources, just click on the pictures, because they will take you to their original source URL.
Happy pumpkin spice season, and I’ll see you next week with a post about…. well, a post about something kind of ironic, considering this post. Heh. Oh well. At least it’ll be something edible.