20 February, 2015
Someone Needs to Redefine “Microwave Safe”Posted in : eggs, food, funny, humor, microwave, story, Uncategorized on by : Jeanette Schramm
When I first moved into my apartment, two years ago, I had very few kitchen utensils. Having lived in the dorms the year before, where the only way to cook anything was via microwaves that looked like they could double as fallout shelters, all three pieces of cookware I had was microwave safe. I had a ceramic pot/strainer, an egg cooker, and a few bags of popcorn.
The egg maker was cool. You could either make an omelette in the main part of the… thing… or you could put in the little removable middle piece that allowed you to poach two eggs.
I liked eggs, and I didn’t have a frying pan, so they were really my only protein source. So, one of the first mornings in my new apartment, I decided that I was going to make myself eggs and toast.
I took out my egg maker and a couple of eggs, cracked them into the little divots in the insert, added water, and poked holes in the yolks with a fork. Next, I picked up the instructions, which told me to close the lid and put it in the microwave for two minutes. So I did.
I pressed START and walked away.
I was on the other side of my studio apartment, making my bed and listening to the eggs crackle and pop in the microwave, enjoying what had so far been a rather peaceful morning, when the still summer silence was shattered by a sudden explosion. Said explosion, had come from the microwave.
I ran into the kitchen, seconds away from a heart attack, and whipped the microwave door open.
The inside of the microwave looked like somebody had assassinated Humpty Dumpty. Egg bits were splattered all over, and the egg &omelette wave lay there, open and steaming.
To say that I was confused or perplexed would be a bit of an understatement, but I removed the egg-covered plastic… thing… and threw out what little egg was left in the insert. I cleaned the cooker and I wiped down the microwave, and I decided to try it again.
I cracked two more eggs into the maker, followed the steps, closed the lid, and put it in the microwave. This time, I decided I would set the microwave for one minute.
I walked away.
I ran into the kitchen and flung open the door to find a scene almost identical to the previous one. I swore.
Upon closer analysis, I realized the even spread of egg on the inside of the microwave was a result of the cooker doing a complete back flip. Presumably the pressure of the expanding gases inside built up, causing the lid to burst open with such force that it launched the entire cooker and contents into the air. The eggs, I noticed, were fully cooked by this point, so maybe if I reduced the time some more, it would give me the result I was looking for.
I cleaned up the mess again, more irritated than last time, and took out two more eggs. I prepped them and set the microwave for 50 seconds. This time, I didn’t walk away.
About 40 seconds later — BANG! — the stupid plastic egg cooker from hell blew up again and coated the inside of the microwave with eggs.
By this point, I was irate. I grabbed the cooker out of the microwave and threw it in the trash. I wiped down the inside of the microwave and slammed the door shut. I had wasted half a dozen eggs and about an hour of my morning. Tired of trying to cook, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and ate it with a scowl on my face.
After breakfast, I decided the best way to deal with my anger was to shame my microwave, so I made it a sign.
It’s still there.